Agreements vs. Expectations
Creating a reality of shared agreements
One of the most common reasons for breakdowns in organizations is a lack of clear agreements. When agreements aren't in place, what we have are expectations.
A TL;DR on agreements vs. expectations:
- Expectations: One-sided communication Agreements: Co-created Communication
- Expectations: Reactive & fear-based Agreements: Creative & empathetic
- Expectations: Power over Agreements: Power with
- Expectations: Toxic for relationships Agreement: Excellent for relationships
- Expectations: Create unpredictability & stress Agreement: Create predictablity & ease
- Expectations: Lack accountability, transparency & autonomy Agreements: Create accountability, transparency & autonomy
The Problem With Expectations
They are based in a lack of clear communication.
When we hold expectations for people, they tend to be either unspoken or are not *shared* agreements. This means that they are 1-sided and not co-created. This results in less-than-ideal quality work and, often, in unproductive conflict.
Expectations are stressful and disappointing.
Not only do 1-sided expectations create undue stress, unmet expectations always lead to disappointment, miscommunication, accountability breakdowns and break down organizational trust. In severe cases it may even (sometimes) lead to a sense of betrayal among others. This is bad for business.
They are reactive and fear-based.
People don't like it when you expect things of them. They would rather you agree with them about something. The process of co-creating agreements is empowering. Being told what to do and trying to live up to others' expectations is not.
Why We Make Agreements Instead
Agreements are creative.
It takes two people creating and re-creating together to land on an agreement.
Creating clear agreements takes awareness, empathy and courage.
Human beings love to keep agreements that they've co-authored with you.
Work with someone to create an agreement. Ask them what you can count on them for and what they can count on you for. It will make all the difference.
Agreements make for better work.
By co-creating agreements with contributors, you can predetermine what might prevent them from completing their work. The process of creating agreements will allow you to properly resource and support the team.
Examples of Agreements vs Expectations
Expectation: Going to meeting expecting someone would have a piece of work complete.
Agreement: Going to meeting with an understanding, in advance, of what you and others are meant to bring to the meeting.
Expectation: Waiting for someone to deliver a key document without having discussed it prior.
Agreement: Having a conversation (async or sync) where both parties agree that the document will be delivered by a certain day at a certain time (and making sure the agreement is in writing).
What to do when an agreement has been violated
If someone else has broken your agreement.
First, start a conversation with the other person and highlight:
- Describe what you had both initially agreed upon.
- Reference the conversation/document capturing your agreement.
- Ask them about how/why the agreement was not followed through on.
- Ask them when they can recommit to following through on their initial agreement.
- Request they communicate with you in advance the next time they foresee being unable to follow through on their agreement.
If you have broken your agreement.
First off, high five for being willing to take responsibility for breaking an agreement! 🙌
Next, there are some steps we recommend you take to make sure that trust is maintained and the situation is remedied as soon as possible.
- Start a converastion (either via DMs or in a Discord thread) as soon as you notice that you either will break (in the future) or have broken (in the past) the agreement. Do not delay!
- Apologize and take responisiblity. Ex: "Sorry - I was supposed to have that document over to you yesterday."
- Repromise to a new agreement with a clear "by when." Ex: "I still need a day to finish this, so I want to repromise to have this to you by end of day Friday."
- Check-in and see if that works for them (so that it is a co-created agreement vs an expectation). Ex: "Does that work for you?"
Simply being in communication with the other person and taking responsibility will go a long way to creating a trustworthy, productive and collaborative working environment (not to mention maintaining good vibes!).
Here are some additional tips on how to co-create clear agreements:
✅ Create a kick-off meeting for any approved project.
✅ What's the purpose of your next meeting? What do you hope to accomplish? What are others hoping to see from you?
✅ Get clear on who's in charge of what (create and assign a clear task list).
✅ Ask them by when they can reasonably agree to have those things done.
✅ Does that timeline work for you?
- Yes? Great! Make it public for added accountability - publish it where it is visible to everyone.
- No? What resources/support do they need to make a timeline that works for everyone?
✅ Continue the process until the team has shared agreements.